Rest in peace, Jamie McGinn

Posted: July 23, 2013 by Wyatt Arndt in Uncategorized

San Jose Sharks v Anaheim Ducks

 

Born: August 5th, 1988

Died: July 19th, 2013

We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a gentle soul. Jame McGinn has passed on from the LOBNHL world, and we want to extend our condolences to his St. Louis family.

Jamie “Vinegar” McGinn was a beloved and respected player in the LOB hockey league, one who had built up his skills far higher than anyone had anticipated. Once thought of as “that piece of shit? Why would I trade Kulikov for that guy?”, McGinn spent the off-season training, doing steroids, training, and doing more steroids, to be come a formidable 84ov force. With that massive increase in skill, many thought a star spot in the top 6 of the Blues was in order, but alas it was not meant to be.

Rumors first began to swirl that the Blues didn’t have room to meet his salary demands at the start of the 2nd off-season. People were confused as McGinn seemed like a perfect fit to ride shotgun with the Twins, however GM Gfulmore77 was quoted as saying “Why would I want McGinn in my top 6? He’s a perfect third liner, plus I already promised Lupul that top spot, and what Lupul wants, Lupul gets. Otherwise he gets very hitty.”

Angered by McGinn’s contract demands, Gfulmore77 entered into a game of chicken with the restricted free agent. Many people thought this was crazy, as LOBNHL is well known as a place where “Bryan Little Money” can be tossed around at will, crippling the salary structures of teams league wide.

“Yeah, Bryan Little Money was my idea” explained Montreal GM Marc “the K is silent” Bergevin. “I make a shit ton of money selling t-shirts to people, so I always have some extra cash to spend. If I want to give it to Bryan Little, that’s up to me, ok?? Ryan Miller Money was v 2.0 of this idea. It’s just like Bryan Little Money, except I added several years to it. Next year I plan on having Jiri Tlusty Money, which is where I just give my franchise over to him and retire. I don’t plan well.”

As luck would have it for McGinn, “Bryan Little Money” began pouring in during the off-season. Cole “Not Winnipeg” Columbus was claimed to have said “I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING CAP SPACE, I’LL DO WHAT I WANT” but alas blew his wad on Steve Downie before he could get to McGinn. Dale Tallon of Florida was said to offer “$55 and a hamburger because that’s all the room I have on my salary cap. Also, I’m going to need that hamburger back, he’s my 4th line center.”

McGinn was excited about his future, excited about being a top star, excited about playing hockey. Then his agent signed an offer sheet. It was with Montreal.

“He was devastated” said Henrik Sedin, a former teammate of McGinn. He stopped coming to our sex parties, where me and Daniel would dress up as each other and swap wives, and have McGinn film it. That was the first sign that he wasn’t happy. He loved filming us. I am noticeably hard just thinking about it right now.”

“He told me he’d rather die than play for Montreal. I think his agent made a mistake” explained Daniel Sedin, another former teammate. “Ah shit, Henrik has an erection, which means I get one too. Stupid twin powers.”

“I would never have let him hit free agency. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was first in the league?” screamed former GM Clarkey, to nobody in particular.

McGinn failed to show up for training camp and didn’t report for the first week of the season. His body has not yet been recovered, but rumors swirl that his corpse is floating somewhere in St. Louis. Other rumors persist that he simply took the Kovalchuk way out, and “retired” and is now playing in the KHL.

Regardless, it is a sad day in LOBNHL, so raise your glasses and have a toast to St. McGinn. May god have mercy on his soul.

 

The league is considering retiring his number league wide. We will update you when more information becomes available.

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