GM one-on-one: PIT [PS3]

Posted: September 22, 2012 by Phuong Pham in Uncategorized

I got the change to sit down with GM Paul to discuss all things Pittsburgh. I was shocked he hadn’t hung himself over losing Crosby, I guess he still thinks he can win a Cup without him. Enjoy folks.

“Introduce yourself, who are you and what qualifies you to be a general manager in the NHL?”

My name is Paul Almeida, and I’m an actor in Vancouver, Canada, just graduated from the Musical Theatre program at Capilano University. I really think its my ability to tap dance that landed me the job here in Pittsburgh. They’re big fans of tap shoes here.

“What was your reaction to being award the Pittsburgh franchise?”

My first reaction was ‘YES CROSBY!’

My reaction when I learned it was random teams was about the same reaction as when Canucks fans go back and look at who we drafted in the first round of the 2007 draft: “oh sweet Jesus. What the hell is going on?”

“What do you expect out of this season? Are you trying to get the first overall draft pick this year?”

I’ve talked to my players individually and as a group and we feel confident that we really can win it all this year. Of course I’m referring to the important trophy in hockey, the President’s Trophy. The Stanley Cup is just a cereal box prize.

“Are you in any trade talks right now? Any specific players you are targetting?”

No trade talks for the Penguins. We believe in the group we have here.

“Alright, enough formalities, let’s get into the real important stuff. So … you don’t have Malkin, Fleury or Crosby … tell me how you messed that up?”

It was Bettman’s fault. He made us trade Crosby to Detroit for Zetterberg and Ian White. He said if we didn’t do it, the loading times would be twice as long for each menu.

 “Don Cherry, yay or nay?”

His piano hands make me giggle. Yay for me.

“Okay, let’s get a little more serious here. You’re 4-0 on the season, are you cheating? If you are, how? GIVE ME YOUR WIDSOM!”
We’re gonna let team captain Dion Phaneuf answer that one:

“Well uhhhh we just came out hard and played it one period at a time and uhhhh, really just focusing on what we gotta do out on the ice uhhh putting shots on net and uhhhh good things will happen so uhhhhh yeah really just one shift at a time I mean uhhhh they got a good team over there so uhhhhh we’re just gonna keep working hard and uhhhh we’ll take it from there.”

Thanks Dion.

“Are you going to convince Bill Guerin to come out of retirement?”
Bill Guerin RETIRED?! Thought he was centering my top line? Hmmm. I’ll get my assistant on that.

“Ray Shero and McPhee has quite an entertaining rivalry, can we expect the same from you and GM Adolfo?”

I can’t hear you, I’ve got my two Stanley Cup rings plugged in my ears.

“Are you mad Pittsburgh isn’t in the Winter Classic AGAIN this year?”

I was upset, til I realized that my superstar won’t get a career changing concussion this year from his head smacking on the frozen cold outdoor ice. HE WASN’T EVEN LOOKING AND HE GOT BLINDSIDED BY A HEADSHOT! WE HAD TO TRADE HIM TO DETROIT CAUSE HIS HEAD HURT SO MUCH! CROSBY FOR ZETTERBERG AND IAN WHITE ISNT EVEN A FAIR TRADE!

Sorry. I’m not over it yet, as you can tell. Deep breaths.

 “Lastly, how long until you build a Crosby statue?”

Already got one in my garden at home. Making a replica for the Consol Energy Center and Heinz Field as we speak.


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