Alex Ovechkin traded; Vows revenge against previous GM

Posted: September 21, 2012 by Wyatt Arndt in Uncategorized

“Is BULLSHIT.” screamed a visibly angry Alex Ovechkin as he was escorted out of Madison Square Gardens for the last time as a home team player. “I do nothing wrong. They ask me score, I score. They ask me check? I check. They ask me make love beautiful women? Well they don’t ask me that but their wives did. If you know what I saying. What? You want to know real reason I got ‘Mr. Big’ ads?” said Ovechkin before pointing at his groin, making back and forth motions, than licking his lips. Security quickly escorted Ovechkin out of the press conference area before more could be said.

“Sex. It’s that simple.” said GM CJ Miller when asked about the reason why Ovechkin was traded. “He is just addicted to sex. Doesn’t really matter what he’s having sex with, person, animal, drying machine, if he can fit into it, he’s going to have sex with it. There are only so many times I can lie to the rookies as to we had to buy them new skates and threw out their old ones.”

Ovechkin, apparently taken by surprise by the move, vowed revenge on GM Miller. “I will kill him. Not physically. But mentally. By making love to his favorite pair of socks. He won’t know when….but once it happens, he’ll find out. Oh, he will find out.”

The team who takes on the headcase? Pittsburgh Penguins GM Dane Bjerno, most well known for starring in the early 2000’s boy band, R*Sync. “We weren’t very popular. We were on the Disney After Hours channel mostly. One of the guys in our band, he had sex with a lot of socks. This is nothing new for me, Alex should be fine here.”

Despite Ovechkin’s troubles off the ice, GM Miller still demanded a large price for his winger, and he got it.

Pittsburgh trades M. Cooke (79 ov), Laich (84ov). Byfuglien (87ov), R. Hainsey(83ov) 15.8 mil combined.

Rangers trade Ovechkin (93ov), Fasth (3 star potential, 60 ov), Matt Anderson (71ov, 29 yrs old) 11 mil combined.

Pittsburgh drops a ton of weight in Byfuglien and money, but also had to give up several stars to get Ovechkin. This deal should help provide depth to the Ranger’s lineup, as well as give them a break from Ovechkin’s odd ways.

“Seriously, not one day went by where I didn’t see Alex’s penis. I had enough.” sighed GM Miller.

Other news on the day, it wouldn’t be a day in LoB if Flames GM Dave didn’t make a deal, and he did just that, trading Tim “GET OFF MY LAWN” Thomas for Mikal “I won’t get benched for Holtby in this game!” Neuvirth. A solid deal for both teams, as Dave gets a young goalie to build around, and Boston gets Tim Thomas back. Thomas loves Boston I am told and will be a great fit- wait……

Oh you thought Dave was done? He wasn’t. He dealt Mike “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” Ribiero and Colin “Yes I haven’t retired yet” White to Pittsburgh for Curtis “Canuck Killer” Glencross and Mike “Even I’m embarrassed about my contract” Komisarek. The winner of this deal? Pittsburgh. Anytime you trade Komisarek off your team you win. Even if it takes trading Crosby to do so, you win the deal. Every time.

Rumors persist that a huge deal involving such names as Toews and Staal have gone done, but I will have to confirm before I give more details.



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